[00:22.68] Tonight at 10
[00:24.57] The world is ending again
[00:25.85] And we know why and when
[00:27.29] So you better watch
[00:29.13] We got a bit
[00:30.17] With some feminist chick
[00:31.56] And also a picture of a starlet's crotch!
[00:34.56] Two people died
[00:35.94] A double homicide
[00:37.35] Their bodies found inside of a wishing well
[00:39.84] And we tackle the flaws
[00:40.30] In these obesity laws
[00:42.46] In this segment that's sponsored by Taco Bell
[00:46.07] We've got violence, danger, sex, and drugs
[00:48.81] And it's awesome cause all of it's real!
[00:51.58] We do the illusion of news and while you think you're choosing the views that you feel...
[00:56.75] All of this and more and live
[00:58.31] Only on the Channel 5 News!
[01:03.63] Only on the Channel 5 News!
[01:08.82] Only on the Channel 5 News!
[01:14.77] 
[01:19.97] (Spoken)
[01:20.19] We've got Chip Walker, live at the scene, with breaking news! Chip, are you there?
[01:22.29] (Sung)
[01:23.39] Chip Walker here
[01:24.32] Am I coming in clear?
[01:25.53] I'm standing near to the scene of the crime
[01:28.38] This Iraqi guy's shop
[01:29.45] Seemed a newsworthy spot
[01:30.94] So we've been gathering shots here for quite some time
[01:33.90] Today, real fast
[01:34.89] The owner's daughter passed
[01:36.62] We grabbed a shot of her ass while the owner was near
[01:39.38] Then he struck my chest
[01:40.65] And now he's under arrest
[01:42.32] And now you people have one less man to fear
[01:45.21] His family's angry, crying, sad, and lost
[01:48.52] And it's awesome, cause all of it's real!
[01:51.09] I do the illusion of news and while you think you're choosing the views that you feel...
[01:55.77] More as this develops live
[01:57.35] Only on the Channel 5 News!
[02:02.34] Only on the Channel 5 News!
[02:08.61] Only on the Channel 5 News!
[02:12.96] (Spoken)
[02:13.20] We go now to Max Stevens, with the weather for the weekend
[02:14.99] What are we looking at here, Max: umbrellas or picnic baskets?
[02:17.36] Max? Max?!
[02:21.99] We're experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by
[02:27.52] 
[02:42.44] Alright, we got a signal. Cut to Max.
[02:44.38] (Sung)
[02:44.62] Good evening, hi
[02:45.95] It's your weather guy
[02:47.26] I advise you to buy
[02:48.71] Another lightning rod
[02:50.35] We didn't catch
[02:51.45] This impending disaster
[02:53.33] Maybe it's natural, maybe it's God
[02:56.08] The sliding mud
[02:56.14] The incoming flood
[02:58.89] Will never wash the blood
[02:59.62] From my greedy old hands!
[03:01.74] This job was fun
[03:02.88] I had a pretty good run
[03:04.45] But I've never been one to give in to demands!
[03:07.43] The people are angry, crying, sad, and lost
[03:10.53] And it's awful cause all of it's real!
[03:13.08] We do the illusion of news and while you think you're choosing the views that you feel...
[03:18.25] All of this and more and live
[03:20.45] Only on the Channel 5
[03:21.07] Only on the Channel 5
[03:22.12] Only-only-on
[03:22.81] We're back!
[03:27.52] Only on the Channel 5
[03:33.15] Only on the Channel 5
[03:34.67] (Channel, Channel 5, Cha-Cha-Channel 5, Channel 5)
[03:38.03] (Only on, only on the Channel 5)
[03:40.83] (Only, only)
[03:44.84] Only on the Channel 5 News
[03:46.71] (Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba)
[03:50.27] Only on the Channel 5
[03:53.23] (Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba)
[03:55.93] Only on the Channel 5
[03:58.03] (Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba)
[03:59.88] (Channel 5)
[04:01.36] Only on the Channel 5
[04:03.49] (Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba)
[04:07.14] Only on the Channel 5 News
[04:09.29] (Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba)
[04:13.07] Only on the Channel 5 (News)
[04:15.19] (Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba)
[04:18.39] Only on the Channel 5 (News)
[04:20.80] (Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba)
[04:22.43] (Channel 5)
[04:23.08] (Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba)
[04:24.16] (Only on the Channel 5 News)
[04:28.97] 